Do you have any of those friends with whom you feel like you have a long-term, committed relationship? You know, there's this inherant co-dependence, there's always the obligatory call to check in, and there's always the necessary alone time that happens, even when in crowds of people...

No?

Well, enter Alison.

This girl... she's crazy, but you can't help but love her. It's not like we're dating at all (well, there was that ONE time... haha), and it's not like these childhood friends that have grown into each other during their crucial developmental stages. We're a bunch of years apart, and it's sort of ridiculous and borderline silly that we got so attached. I think it maybe has to do with what we needed (okay, I should say that I probably shouldn't continue using the word "we"... I can't be 100% sure she agrees with everything I'm saying... I'm sure she'll read it one day... in that case, Hi Ali.)... I think I wanted someone that might make Columbia feel more like home. I think I also needed to be a fan of someone. I also think, deep down, I wanted someone to take my time and feel like they needed me as much as I needed them. Maybe I wanted the relationship without the RELATIONSHIP, and I absolutely think that's what we have... an excuse to be ridiculously co-dependent without nailing each other down to anything.

I explain this to people, and they tell me that it seems like a perfect situation... But it has backfired a bunch of times... or maybe just once. There's nothing like being jealous of something you have no right to be jealous about (No, I'm not going into detail about THAT).

I'm allowed to be possessive of my friends, right? Yes? No? Am I wrong?

I guess it was more than that. Along this timeline of friendship and co-dependence, I got his crazy subliminal notion that she was "mine." No, not in the sense that you're thinking... well, not entirely. Like I said before, it was the relationship without the RELATIONSHIP... Regardless, it got me thinking... What is it exactly do I think I'm doing... I'm putting all this energy into something that's not what half of my friends are confusing it as. But it's not like the energy I've put in wasn't worth it... some of the best times in the past two years have been spent laughing my ass off with her... Then I started thinking that it's something I've needed for a while... to put my energy into someone without necessarily wanting anything in return, but somehow getting it... it's like making yourself vulnerable a little bit... it's like leaving the choice up to someone else... and I've never been good at that. I've never been good at giving someone else the power. But it's a feeling everyone subliminally wants. Usually one gets that in a, as mentioned before, committed relationship... but I haven't been ready for that at all... maybe it has to do with the fact that I still don't know what I'm looking for...

I guess my friendship/codependence with Ali might be allowing me to grow in really important ways until I'm ready to get into something serious with someone... and I can probably guarantee that Ali will be right there, letting me know if this special someone is even worth my time... she's judgmental, and I like it.

posted by phat tony 1:38 AM